A while ago, I wrote that I couldn’t be bothered with people on here which prompted my BFF to call me and ask me about whether or not I couldn’t be bothered with her. I told her that I was just joking—that the post was only half true. Of course, I love my family and friends—I was just making fun of myself and how I like my alone time! I think people are interesting! To which she responded, “You should really be more careful about what you write on there. Everyone can read it and they believe it to be true—and you sounded like a complete asshole.” Alright bestie, touché.
I laughed it off, but truly, it got to me. I re-read the post and thought, “Wow, I do sound like a complete elitist a-hole!” which got me to thinking, "Am I really an asshole?" I decided to take a break from blogging under the premise that I was too busy (not completely false!). After some coaxing by friends, I’ve decided to make my return debut by proving that I do care about people (and even like them!) in the only way I know how—poking fun at myself; so prepare yourself for my list of annoying things I do that will hopefully prove that I don’t think my shit doesn’t stink:
10 Annoying Things I do
By Mallory Woodrow
1. Incessantly uploading photos of shit no one cares about. I have discovered that Instagram filters not only make me look hip, but make my empty Starbucks cups into artwork—they say: “Look how refined I am with my overpriced empty coffee cup with the contrast adjusted slightly to make it look mysterious!" "What was in that coffee cup?!" My onlookers must ponder. It also makes me hope that people will think that I read very long books and go antiquing (is that a verb?).
2. Eat with my fingers. I just really like the texture of food. I can’t help it.
3. Check-In Everywhere. Yep, I’m that asshole that interrupts your buzz to check-in at the bar because obviously, if no one documents it for the Facebook world to see, it isn’t actually occurring. How didn’t you get that memo?
4. Uploading Photos from the Night Before While People Are Still Sleeping. I am the queen of uploading unflattering candids at a time of the morning or night when no one can bitch at me. We got home at 3:30am from the bar? You best believe that I will be up at 4:30am uploading an album of photos for the world to see while you are passed out on my sofa. 10:00am is also a good time since you will most likely still be slobbering on your pillow with a half-eaten burrito in your clutches.
5. Not keeping my phone charged. As you might assume due to all my muploading, texting, and tweeting, my iPhone dies on a daily basis causing me to be dead to the world from the hours of 6pm on. Also, sometimes I just don’t have the energy to reach across my nightstand to plug it in at night—alright, I’m lying, it’s because I snuggle with my iPhone so I don’t miss important emails.
6. Saying unintentionally mean things. Evidenced by my complete asshole post about not liking people, sometimes I say things jokingly and no one knows I’m joking—which I’d like to blame on them, but really it’s my bizarre not-so-funny sense of humor at fault. Character flaw. I’m working on it.
7. Refusing to buy anything that isn’t on sale. I’m addicted to TJ Maxx—if I have to pay full price, I simply refuse to buy it—even if I really need it. (IE: things like toilet paper). I often bring items up to the register fully knowing I won’t have the guts to go through with the purchase because there isn’t a red clearance tag. Although this seems like it would be a good thing for my wallet, it also works the other way; if things are on sale, I will probably buy them even if I don’t need them. Case in point: the Tory Burch sandals on my feet were marked down to $130—how could I pass up such a great deal!?
8. Refusing to wait in lines at bars. This isn’t because I think I’m too good to wait in lines—it is because evey time I have to wait in a line there is some extenuating circumstance that makes it a miserable experience. It is 10 degrees outside and I decided to wear a mini-skirt. I have to go to the bathroom so badly that I can’t stand up straight. I wore shoes 2 sizes too small for me (they were probably on sale.). I decided to let my phone die and now I can’t play scramble and everyone else has some form of entertainment. It would seem that all of these things might have been avoided if I had taken certain measures. However, I blame it on lines-- how could I possibly be held accountable for emptying my bladder at the last bar or tasked with finding an outfit that is appropriate for the season?
9. Change my mind when I’m ordering food. When you place a menu with more than 2 pages in front of me, I become overwhelmed and panic. I almost want to throw the menu back at the waiter and tell them to bring me a menu with fewer options—how can I be held responsible with reading all these wonderful, delicious choices and selecting just one? I want them all! If the menu has pictures, be prepared to be there for at least 15 minutes while I toil with the decision of what I will be eating that evening. Also prepare for me to ask about the drink prices if they aren't listed — why do they DO that?
10. Being passive aggressive. My boyfriend can attest to my amazing propensity for the art of passive aggression. It seems that this personality flaw is only seen with him and my parents—but nevertheless, it is annoying and thus is on this list.
Example: My boyfriend says his neighbor is attractive. I don’t immediately say anything.
10 minutes later: he asks me if I can hand him something from his desk.
I throw in a casual, “Why don’t you ask your neighbor, she’s right next door. It might be more convenient for her to fetch you your phone charger since that is about 4 feet out of my way right now."
All the while I am smirking.
He reacts. “Seriously?”
I drop it for 20 minutes. He asks me what I’m doing later.
“Hanging out with my cute neighbor.”
“You don’t have a neighbor.”
“I don’t?” Still smiling.
He gets defensive.
“Are you seriously upset right now? Ugh. Malloryyyy!”
At this point he’s all hot and bothered and then the final blow comes with my ever classic: “Why are you being so overdramatic? I was just joking. God, you’re so sensitive.”
Boom. Mission complete.
Mallory, 1. Boyfriend, -1230948123.
Please feel free to add to this list since there are probably quite a few other annoying things I left out.