Top 3 Things That I Was Expecting Facebook to Announce Today

Mark Zuckerberg invited the press to the Facebook offices in Palo Alto, California earlier today to make what was promised to be a significant announcement. I watched the first half of it streamed live on Facebook. Between the "Um"s, long awkward pauses, and technical difficulities, there was mention of being able to download your Facebook profile information, something about groups and group chat, and mumbling about a new dashboard. YAWN. Where was the ultra-cool, life-altering announcement I had been assured? Why couldn't you have just thrown that up on the Facebook Blog as per usual instead of luring me into believing you were packing up and moving to Pandora to live amongst the blue people?  Here are the Top 3 Things I Was Expecting (Hoping, Wishing, Praying) Facebook Would Announce Today:

1. Ban ugly people. Unfortunate looking people are the dandelions of a well-manicured social network. The elimination of this demographic of eyesores will improve users’ overall Facebook experience and boost the self-confidence of those who are invited to stay.
2. Colonize Mars. Facebook is BIG. It is entirely too much of a monstrosity for Earth alone. Also, Mark has expressed that he would thoroughly enjoy having his own planet to populate with people that haven’t seen the Social Network and that will gladly prance around in his “F-you” flip-flops.
3. “Facebook”, The Movie. A film following the life of founder Mark Zuckerberg during his Harvard years and the invention of Facebook. Oh, what's that you say?

All kidding aside, I found the new 'Groups' function that Zuckerberg described to be useless and essentially a replica of the existing 'friends list' that I use to block certain people from seeing specific posts, uploads, etc. Zuckerberg revealed that only 5% of Facebook users currently use their 'friends list' feature, which A) made me feel weird for blocking out poor grandma from my tailgating photographs under my "NO ACCESS" list and B) made me wonder if the new "Groups" feature is simply a well publicized version of a 'friends list' with a new coat of paint.

Group chat wouldn't be earth shattering to me either, but perhaps others will utilize it for team projects or to gather a whole heard of their friends together to gossip. Sounds more like a glorified AOL chatroom than anything innovative, Mark. Also, in reference to using Facebook for professional or educational team projects, it seems to me that individuals will most likely turn to Google Wave and Google Docs for Google's superior group editing and sharing options. Finally, the ability to download your Facebook profile is nifty I suppose, but worthy of a press conference? Meh.


Get it together Zuckerberg. We know you enjoy your delicate face plastered all over everything, but that was a piss poor "Mark Zuckerberg Production" at best.

This has been a Hollywood Row Production. 

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