Monday, June 20, 2011

Facebook & Break-ups: It is what it is.

Break-ups suck for all parties involved. It really doesn’t matter whether you are the the dumpee or the dumper. You can be the cheater, the liar, or the na├»ve one. You can participate in the “mutual break-up” which we all know is a sham. The heartbreaker or the heartbroken. When dealing with break-ups, God is great, beer is good, and people are batshit crazy.

People have been breaking up, participating in scandalous extracurricular activities, and messing with people's minds for centuries. Although tragic for all those involved,  it normally wasn’t a matter of national security unless you were Bill Clinton, a famous actress, or your significant other went all “Chicago” on your ass.

Back then, there was the lovely awkward run-ins with mutual “friends” who wanted you to dish the details or gave you the pity party: “How are you are?” As if they actually gave two shits about your current state. If you were in college, you might be forced to occupy the same room as them (this is the best-- especially if it was feminist political theory.) I once had an ex-boyfriend literally come up to me in the quad and kick me in the shins. He didn’t say a word. It was weird, but if break-ups weren’t already sufficiently strange, we naturally just HAD to take it to the next level.

Cue Mark Zuckerberg, you bastard. Facebook takes breakups to a whole new level of nutty. The moment your status goes from “In a Relationship” to “Single”, everyone pisses his or her pants with excitement. It is like the forth of the July for the bored, insecure, and annoying. Fireworks light up Facebook’s sky and the 1812 Overture resounds loudly through their speakers. Whether they admit it or not, people get off on other people's tragedies and having the news delivered to them without even asking for it via a friends feed is the ultimate.

Instead of maybe accidentally running to friends at school or at the routine hangout, you are now forced to have a run-in every time you sign onto Facebook: “OMG, I just saw you were single, WHAT HAPPENED?” People literally come out of the woodwork. Your cousin’s boss, your lab partner 3 years ago, or your ex’s best friend’s mom. No one seems to think that this is an inappropriate question.

Yes, this is exactly what I feel like doing right now. Spilling the details of my most personal life with you, dear quasi-stranger. At this point, ignoring them gives them ammo to use against you. So you have a few options, you can straight up tell them you’d rather not discuss it in which case you are obviously hiding something (well, duh?). You can give them the “It just wasn’t working out” or, my personal favorite, “I found out my boyfriend loves the dick. Like yeah, he’s just really really gay. Like Elton John gay.” To which they normally don’t know how to immediately respond. Either way, they will go on prying for details until you sign off.

The chaos ensues. You get blocked by random people. Your ex’s mom. Your ex’s gardener. As if they are symbolically trying to illustrate to you that they have selected a side. “BOOYAH, I pick him!” Okay, cool. Thanks for being an immature twit. I am not referring to one break-up in particular here, rather, a slew of them that have insinuated the strangest types of behavior from otherwise normal people. Like I said, Batshit crazy.

Forget other people. Holy, ex-feed! Yes. If you don’t choose to go looking for the recent happenings of your ex-significant other (you never should), have no fear, because Facebook is here to share the gritty details with you anyway. It’s really because Facebook’s algorithm thinks you want to see this information based on patterns of past behavior, but I’m just going to say that it is because Mark Zuckerberg is a lonely loser who wants to torture us all.

Oh hey, yes, Facebook. Thank you so much. I actually really woke up this morning elated to see the hundred and two pictures tagged by my ex’s new girlfriend. Mobile uploads of body shots? EXCELLENT! My boyfriend is a now friends with the girl he may or may not have cheated on me with? Woo, thanks for sharing this vital piece of information. Yes, I wanted to know the exact amount of people that have "liked" that my boyfriend is now single. Checking in at The Vu? Okay, maybe this is the only piece of information that I DO actually find hilarious.
Don't underestimate your ex. He might have not known the difference between a mobile upload and a wall picture when you were dating, but now he's all over the book. He's a Facebook ninja. Posting, Commenting, Liking, Friending, Poking, changing his profile picture to reflect his mood. This is his way of showing you that, LOOK, he has a life too. If you're smart, you'll ignore this behavior and brush it off as a desperate attempt to illustrate he hasn't died without you. Or, you'll take this as a challenge, "Let's see how many fricking pictures I can upload this week where I look like I'm happy and oh LOOK, is that a boy with his arm around me?" Look at me now. Look. at. me. now.

Whatever the case or circumstances may be surrounding your break-up, it won’t matter. Facebook will take a shitty, yet uncomplicated situation and transform it into front-page news. Do I have a solution? Naw, I love Facebook too much to do away with it even if it ends up resulting in World War 3.

And everyone knows, the real way to combat break-ups isn’t via Facebook. It’s in the form of witty, satirical blog posts to ruffle peoples’ panties and shed light upon the silly truth.

Whisper amongst yourselves.


People wouldn't inquire about your break up if those involved in the relationship didn't flaunt it on facebook, a public forum, to begin with. Next time don't list your relationship status and post countless albums of PDA and the questions/NewsFeed updates won't come pouring in.

I didn't even showcase my last relationship on facebook. So the plus was no one knew when we broke up or not...the con is...some people still don't know if we're broken up or not. The good thing about facebook is it tells everyone the thing you don't want to tell anyone for you. But that's about it. Great post Mal!

Thanks racher. Miss you tons.

As for anonymous: By taking the time out of your day to post on what was meant to be a humorous blog post about Facebook break-ups in general, you have inadvertently proven my point. People are obsessed with other people. The things listed in this post were not just about me, but things friends contributed as well.

The fact that you selected to remain anonymous further proves the silly truth behind my silly message; if you can't post your name (only your IP address, so if I wanted, I could easily pinpoint who you are. Holy, interwebz people.), we probably aren't friends to begin with, so why are you looking at my pictures? You must be one of the bored, insecure, or annoying.

Game, set, match.

* by anonymous do you mean Alexis lol


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