Thursday, July 7, 2011

Mean Girls, Bullies, and Bitches That Hit You in the face: a Tutorial on How to Deal with Mean Girls



Haters will always hate. Players will always play. And me? Well I can always be counted on to get the last word--or at least profit from other people’s mean-spirited shenanigans in a totally self-serving, Jon-Stewart-Show kind of way. Also, I have impeccable diction so putting you into the extremely narrow back pocket of my designer jeans (okay, sometimes they are from Forever) comes easier than many would expect. So, welcome to my tutorial on how to deal with crazy bias, gents, and people that are utterly jealous of your success and/or generally obsessed with your life.


First off, the old saying is true, you should at least attempt to be the bigger person and walk away (strut if at all possible) from confrontation. For the most part, I normally adhere to this policy unless you are A) a strip club bouncer telling me to show you my boobs to gain access B) a doorman calling my friends ugly, or C) any other male that pisses me off, spills my drink, or steps on my new stilettos. Watch where you are going, will you?

Like I said, avoidance is best, but not always an obtainable end. Before you use any of these suggested tactics, be sure that there is absolutely no way to avoid the confrontation. You don’t want to be the crazy bitch that starts stuff with people for no reason. Then, you’re just kind of a loose canon and will in fact turn into the bitches we are attempting to battle here.

If you did something stupid, apologize. We aren’t 5 years old. We must take responsibility if we were in the wrong. Don’t be a fake bitch, but also don’t start drama with people unless there is no way to dodge it. Adhere to the 24 hour policy: Do not take action for 24 hours. If you are still struggling to keep your composure, take another 24. If you find yourself in the middle of a screaming match, count to ten in your head. Think of puppies and rainbows and unicorn-fairy dust.

In any case, if you’ve continued to read, you’ve reached the point of no return. You've waited the sufficient amount of time. You’ve apologized and they won’t let it go. Or you’ve probably been confronted with the same issue too many times. Don’t be a doormat—if this is habitual-borderline-harassment, ongoing kind of thing, you need to take a stand. In this instance, the crazy is most likely going to keep coming until you give them a reason not to. Perhaps, they will even keep coming back for more after you put them in your proverbial pocket, but you can’t be bothered with what they will or won’t do after. 



Rules of Engagement.

Over the years, I’ve developed a pretty awesome defense mechanism when it comes to dealing with the haters and I’d like to share these tips with you.   

Rule 1. Do not go out of your way to make their lives miserable. 

As much as I’d like to use my SEO know-how to make search engines conjure up photos of child molesters and cartoon exotica when one Googles my haters’ names, I refrain. Why? Too much effort. How would I benefit? I wouldn’t. Alright, yes, I might pee my pants laughing for a couple days, but then I’ll just be like, “Shit. That was stupid. And mean. Oh NO, I’m one of THEM!”

It is always important to remember, haters are miserable all by their damned selves—it stems from not being properly brought up (poor them) and deep-rooted insecurities. It might be because their career path didn’t go the way they planned. No one dreams of being an unemployed twenty-something living on Mom’s sofa. No one strives to attend online law school (Wait, no, really?). No one aspires to work at their Parent's bar or dive for change in strangers' loveseats to make ends meet. Maybe they were shorted in the brains/looks/general talent department (If there isn’t two forms of your/you’re in their vocabulary, that is usually a sign).

Life throws us challenges and short changes us, but the way in which we react to the mishaps or misfortunes in life is a direct reflection of the kind of human being that is under the grit. If they feel the need to take out their bullshit problems on others, then they are shitty people. If they are mean for seemingly no reason besides the fact that it brings them joy, then they are beyond repair.

Whatever the case may be, it should NEVER be your intent to actively try and make them take a long walk off a short bridge (Thanks Dad). You don’t need to do anything to make your hater bask in a pool of their misery. They do it everyday. Willingly. Without water wings. In the deep end. With improper eye-wear. Probably in last season’s tankini.

Rule 2. Do not exert any more energy than necessary.

If the hater is standing in front of you yelling at you, do not go all teenmomsmackdown on her/his butt or start rambling off crap like, "YEAH! WELL I'M PRETTIER THAN YOU!" Stand straight. Stay composed. Laugh. Give them the “uhm, whattheeffareyoudoing” face. If you have difficulty contorting your face in the just the right manner, then just channel the thoughts you had when you found out about the birds and bees. The result will be a face that borders between concern, “holyshitthispersonisbatshitcrazyrunforthehillsAH!” and curiosity.  This hater is putting on a show for you. Try not to clap, but snaps for effort might be applicable. One word responses work best. Repeating the word “No” usually does the trick. Also effective, “Yes.” Agreeing with crazies only makes them question their sanity.

Rule 3. See Rule 2. Add humor. Mix. Serve in a martini class (Preferably not over your hater's head).

If you’ve found yourself in the middle of a highschool-esque Facebook showdown, please see the humor in it. Do not resort to actually confronting the person in a public balls-to-the-walls battle. If you’re a true betch (which I’m assuming you are if you’re read this far), you could squash them without a full keyboard. On a flip-phone (Do they still make those?) With T9.  Using one hand. After 4 margaritas.

As tempting as it may be, don’t do it. You’re just making yourself look as stupid as they are. If you find the need to say something, make sure it is vague, true, and that there is humor at the root. Do not go for the low blows because you’ll find yourself morphing into one of these haters faster than you can say eatingdisorderreligionsexualorientation.

I cannot stress enough the fact that the less you say directly to them, the more infuriated and out of control your haters will become. Everyone was a little relieved when Regina got hit by a bus. But it is important to never be driving the bus, shoving people in front of buses, or hiring people to topple over people with buses (These are metaphorical buses). Karma is a bitch and she knows just what to do with truly mean girls.

When they reach their breaking point, it is in fact, THE HATER who will end up with egg on their face. You can only hope that your actions or inaction will trigger a crazy, over-the-top response (normally this will just be them showing their true colors). This over the top behavior could be a sudden outburst of nonsensical and stupid comments. It could come in the form of a low blow that makes even their friends turn to them and say, “YOU’RE OUT OF LINE!” (if they have friends) or…the hater could actually end up punching you in the face. Jerry-Springer style. (Only the really classy bitches swing punches at other girls.) (That was sarcasm) And don’t worry, from experience, haters have a very weak right hook. Yes, even the softball players.

Rule 4. If you have to cry, get it over with.

Most of the time, these haters don’t faze us.  But on the off chance that they cross the line (OK-they usually do right before the burst of craziness erupts from their small little noggins), you are allowed to be hurt. After all, what kind of person would you be if you had no feelings at all? Being able to fess up to your feelings doesn’t make you weak; it makes you real. So, if you need to get out a good “waaaah” session because some bitch went into the no-fly zone with a sawed off shot-gun and said something about your dead father or tells you to go kill yourself and includes details, go ahead, cry. If the girl hits you in the face, by all means, shed a tear. After all, you just got punched in the frickin' face! True friends and good people will see that this mean girl has in fact showed her truly mean colors (Think white after labor day-- even worse, at a wedding) (Or tie dye).

Rule 5. Don’t listen.

No matter how many tables you danced on or how many photos there might be on the interwebz of you participating in belligerent tomfoolery, you are not what they say you are. All that is the frivolous bullshit. Never ever feel like you're less than fucking perfect (Yes, that was P!NK). Never question who you are. Chances are that these haters have never even had a real conversation with you--in fact, 9 out of 10 times, they probably can't even come up with any hard evidence of instances that support their case for hating your guts.

At the end of the day, what do you have to show for your life? All TRUE betches know that they are required to play hard, work harder, give their hardest and end up graduating with honors and several job offers. Most importantly, give back. In whatever form you can. Success is the best form of revenge. In the words of Gaga herself,

"I used to get made fun of & bullied everyday by really mean girls with no tits-really mean rich girls with no tits. I still get made fun of by really mean rich girls with no tits, so I guess nothings really changed, but anyway, my point is I’ve had the indescribable pleasure of performing in front of 20,000 people.. in front of the people who bullied me, so for those of you being bullied--i promise you, you will have your fucking day of revenge. So, do you feel sexy now?" ~ GaGa

Yes, we are awesome and independent. And boy, do we feel sexy. ;)

Rule 6. Feel sorry for them. No, really do.

The fact that this bitch and/or gent has devoted so much time to making your life a living hell is actually a testament to how awesomely awesome you are. You must be doing something right to have become the center of their universe. Instead of trying to build themselves up, they’ve resorted to knocking others to the ground. This behavior is sad and comes from an ugly and loathing place. You are not in that place. You are in the sunshine. With your Raybans and Mike’s Harder Lemonade. Playing Frisbee. Or pretending to. At the end of the day, she/he is “mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life and mean” (thank you T. Swizzle).  And you are not. So, really, do pity them for their sad, lonely lives. They are people--sad people with little direction and a deep pool of misery in their backyard. And no one wants to splash in a dingy pool of misery with them. Wahhh.

Rule 7. Always come out on top.

Stay classy. If you must vent, make sure you are profiting from their bullshit in a way that is measurable. For instance, in the form of humorous Blog post about how to deal with crazy bitches.

$.10 a click, bitches. 

(And that, ladies, is how you turn a negative experience into something positive.)



Thanks for reading! Share if you've had to deal with your share of mean girls, bullies, or bitches who hit you in the face.

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1 comments:

Dear Ms. Woodrow,

You are absolutely fantastic (Read: hilarious, well-spoken [written?], gorgeous, intelligent, and any other applicable ego-stroking descriptor one could think of). Betches would love your site ;)


Over&Out,
Duthie

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