I am addressing a topic that I have often pondered, specifically at 6:30am on Sunday mornings when I find myself stumbling around my kitchen in search of hydration.
"Who left me out in a desert to die last night?"I ask the Saturday Night Gods, "And why did they leave me here with refried beans in my hair?"
I suddenly realize that thirst and edibles in my hair are not my only ailments. There is a subtle pounding in my chest, head, and stomach that intensifies with each coherent thought or sentence I try to form.
I am dizzy and disoriented, "Holy crap, where did that come from? Where are my shoes? What is going on? Who are you? Wait.. what?"
I scan the room for things that don't belong and am always mystified by the people, places, and things that my drunk self subjects my sober self to. I have recently decided that the goal of my drunken self is to disorganize and baffle my sober self as much as humanly possible. I shout out (to noone in particular) asking where I placed my valuables. My roommate's response is always the same: "Have you checked the microwave?"
My feet hurt which although totally unrelated still proves to be a problem that I will ultimately blame on the alcohol. I shuffle back to my bed with a bucket of water and find the reminiscence of a half eaten burrito on my bedside table which only partly explains the beans in my hair.
It really is no surprise when I find shredded lecture under my pillow. It is always best practices to clutch onto your Pancheros with a death grip even as you drift into a dead sleep in the event someone else might stumble upon you and say, "HEY LOOK! A half-eaten smooshed burrito. Om nom nom nom! I think I shall take that away from her." Like I said, just standard practices.
As per my usual routine, I survey my belongings: cell phone, check. Credit card, check. ID, check. Something completely random that has no business being in my purse, check. If it wasn't for the melatonin, a natural sleeping supplement, I would be wide awake on verge of vomiting and dying for at least 8 hours. After I fall back to sleep, I am then dead to the world for the next 12 hours.
This is an extreme example, but the sentiment retains its validity. Hangovers suck. I have long accepted that my body was not built to consume alcohol. And to all the naysayers that will respond to this with, "Well maybe you shouldn't drink so much..just saying." STFU.
"Well, it seems like you might have an alcohol problem." Yes, I do have an alcohol problem of sorts. My problem is that after consuming alcohol I feel a lot like Humbert Cumberdale after Salad Fingers puts him in the oven with a fish. And don't talk to me like you've never cut back your calories pre-weekend to compensate for all the liquid calories you will be consuming only to fall victim to 2am Pizza Pockets. Have you ever worn a mini-skirt? Yeah. Take your judgement elsewhere. I am too hung over to deal with you.
So, where, dear humanity, is the 0 calorie alcoholic beverage that allows one to skip the hangover experience? My cry has not been answered so I will now list off my random thoughts on why there is no excuse not introducing this godsend to the human species.
I refuse to believe that humans traveled in a spacecraft to the Moon yet have failed to invent a legal concoction that will enhance reality without leaving us feeling like soot and poo. Aids vaccine? Screw it. I want to know where the hangover cure is, Mr. President. Where are you hooligans in the White House hiding it? There's no way that you can lead a country as effed as the United States without the consumption of alcohol- and yet, I never see you with a hangover, Mr. O. Suspicious? Totally.
The only time I see hung over people is in Vitamin Water and 5 Hour Energy Ads.
Why, dearest alcohol industry, with your billions of dollars haven't you sent your alcohol scientists on a search for this mystical unicorn liquor? There doesn't seem like there would be any downside to this. The stuff would fly off shelves like crack in the allies of D town and I would literally give up my cell phone/first born to get my claws on it, so I really don't see how money would deter a company from attempting to make this. Shout-out to everyone who just read the sentence in which I equated my cell phone to my first born. #sorryimnotsorry
Vodka looks like water.
Vodka is clear. Water is clear. Water has zero calories. Vodka has anywhere from 60 to 90 calories depending on flavor per shot. How does that make any sense? I don't want the real answer. I know the real answer. I simply would like to point out the opportunity that the alcohol industry is missing out on here. Diet Soda. Diet Alcohol- which is apparently cocaine, which I cannot be bothered with.
So, who wants to get started on drawing up plans for this?