Girls Hate Girls Who Hate Girls: A Guide On How to Be The Best Hater You Can Be

“You were so much funnier and wittier when you were a woman scorned.” Ah, yes. Some of my best material is generated when I am irate and/or irked. The words flow from my pleasantly polished fingertips to the screen with an ungainly precision on the rare occasions I have been riled to the point of GURLLLLLYOUBETTTAAARUN. It is in those moments that I realize that I should actually be thanking my ill wishers and heart-breakers for inspiring such poetic vigor.

Hey girl heyyyy, thanks for helping me get my blog on.  Kisses. Hugs. Love you. Mean it.

Hey asshole, thanks for the memories. He tastes like you, only sweeter and now I’m going to blog about it. Sorry I’m not Sorry. Blame Taylor Swift.

So let’s talk about them. Let’s address a breed of human that seems to plague all pretty girls everywhere. Namely, the hater- the female hater. Girls inherently hate other girls. I sincerely don’t understand this natural occurrence because it seems as though somewhere along the evolutionary line we would have been like, “Yo, that dude over there smells. Want to gang up on him? I mean, we are the superior gender with our magic uteruses of life and all. Lesssgooo.” And that is how lesbians were born. Unfortunately for the rest of the heterosexuals, it seems as though we went down a different path; one that involves name-calling and potential hair pulling and lots of omgshetotallylookslikeshespackedonthelbs.

So, because all I normally do is stalk the shit out of myself and admire myself in the mirror and then admire myself some more in the subsequent muploads of myself admiring myself in the mirror, I don’t have time to focus on other people. However, from all my experiences being hated, I think I have their tactics down to an intricate art so here is my guide on how to be the best hater you can be:

Step one. Stalk The Shit Out of Them.

Nothing says, "I hate the shit out of you" like manically obsessing over another human being. La la la. Log on to the good old Facebook. After you tend to your usual business, go straight to their page to see what they are doing at this very moment. Ew, omg, Britney just checked in at Chili’s- gross, holy saturated fat. Ha ha ha, can you believe she eats at chain restaurants? She’s so poor. And what they were doing last week. No wait, no need. You already know exactly what they were doing, with whom they were doing it, and the color of the really tacky earrings that they wore while they were doing it.

If you've exhausted all stalking measures, be sure to stalk their Timeline all the way back to when they were blond and weighed 10 more lbs. Make sure you hit up the actual albums and not just tagged photos because those are where all the gems are hiding. Compare and contrast to see if there has been any fluctuation in weight. The only thing worse than hating a fat girl is hating a skinny girl.

Step two. Make assumptions about them despite the fact you’ve never had a real conversation with them.

Britney wears so much red. This is conclusive evidence that she was probably arrested for prostitution somewhere between sleeping with her professors (How else could that dumb slut get good grades?) and her cocaine addiction (Uhm, no one has clavicles like that naturally.) Now tell all your friends. And your nonfriends. And potentially post it in a forum so other people can read it and revel in your awesome information about Britney- whom you've never spoken to. 

Step three. Repeat steps 1 and 2 over and over again until your universe starts to literally revolve around them...with like its own solar system. And moons and shit. Potentially some aliens in there as well. I think my simile stopped making sense about 140 characters ago. Maybe I should tweet it.

So, that's all I've got for now. If you have more, please feel free to contribute. Don't contribute if you can't say succulent sexy silly satire 10 times fast.

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