Dear Alabama,
Warning: this post addresses the 3 no-no’s of polite conversation: religion, politics, and unpleasant odors.
I had the pleasure of spending 7 oh-so-glorious hours in Alabama almost a year ago to this date as my sorority sisters and I made our way to Florida. Obviously, I am not an expert on Alabama and do not claim to be. I am also bias due to the fact that during the short time I spent in Alabama I witnessed an armed robbery, took a wrong turn into a trailer park that had a ‘Children at Play’ sign crossed out in what appeared to be blood, and was on the most eerie, “The Last Exorcism”-like road for a good portion of the trip. Whatever the case may be, the following reasons are why I wouldn't consider relocating to Alabama anytime soon:
1. The War Is Over.
There’s nothing that says, “Welcome to Alabama” like an 800-foot Confederate flag looming over the interstate. Although I’m not really sure how large this banner actually was, I can say without a doubt that it was the biggest flag I have ever seen in person. There it was, towering over the highway, visible for literally miles. I partially ponder whether or not you purposely place this giant flag along a highway to deter outsiders from entering the South. The Civil War may indeed be ingrained into your rich history, Alabama, but come on. You lost, dude. Even worse, your team was kicked out of the league for foul play. Cut your loses and get over it.
2. God Billboards.
“God Is Watching.” “Abortion is Murder”. “Save Your Soul Before It is Too Late”. And my personal favorite: “Go to Church or The Devil Gon’ Get You” accompanied by a giant image of a red cackling devil plucking up little men that are fleeing from him in fear (I looked everywhere for the updated picture of this billboard, but could only find the old one. Can anyone help?). Whatever political, religious, or other views you hold, I’m not sure I care. The fact of the matter is, the only thing I want to read on a billboard is where I can exit for Chick-Fil-A.
Perhaps I am a jerk for only wanting to see where i can get off to snack on fried fish, but why do people feel the need to advertise this nonsense all over the highway? I literally almost crashed my friend’s Mercedes (Big Pimpin’) laughing at your devil billboard. Are you aiming to kill off the sinners by ushering them into oncoming traffic? That was a joke. Kind of. (I could honestly write an entire blog post about how much political and religious billboards piss me off.). And no, it has nothing to do with whether or not I agree or disagree with the message-- All politically slanted and outlandish messages on billboards irk me the same.
3. Gas Stations and Churches.
As far as I could tell during my 7-hour trek through the Alabama countryside, all that you appear to have in your state is gas stations and churches. Because this was a highly scientific anthropological study, I can only conclude that you like oil and God. I am not a fan of oil, really. The oil spill killed some of my favorite creatures. God is okay, but what would I do when it isn’t Sunday? Because this was a 28-hour drive, I took the liberty of counting the churches on the way from Birmingham, Alabama to the Florida border. I had to go look at my Facebook to retrieve this number, but in case anyone is wondering, which I’m sure you’re not, there are 37 churches. I did not count the gas stations. Maybe next time.
4. You Stink.
Alabama, don't take this offensively, but you smell. I would have to do a little research to figure out exactly where the potent odor throughout Alabama emanates from, but I’m not sure I care about the origin, all I know is that you smell of soot and pooh and flooded basement.
5. Liquor Store Hours
No alcohol purchases on Sundays past 2 am. Yeah.
Anyways, like I said, I'm no expert so I'll keep an open mind. I'd love for someone to provide me with reasons why Alabama is the bomb diggity.
