Guys have the power to drive ladies bonkers. Despite our obvious superiority to the opposite gender (we have boobs), we are sometimes susceptible to their douchery. Primarily a result of their inherent idiocy, we ladies all go through periods of turmoil, distress, and utter tomfoolery on account of men. Which is the best way to deal? Even the wisest of bitches don't have the exact answer.
Most of us have been through a bad break-up. Whether the idiot cheated on you, broke your heart, or simply likes boys (likereallygayliketoogaytofunction), everyone usually comes in contact with heartache some time in their life. Moreover, we all have besties who morph into crazy/depressed alter-versions of themselves as a result of guys and it can be a struggle to know when to mind your own business and when to stage a full fledged intervention.The backlash from a broken heart can manifest in several different forms and bitches can be relied on to switch from one type to another without warning.
Here are the 6 most common types of post break-up bias:
1. The Whiner
Would you like a bit of cheese with that incessant whine? Either you want pounds of it to fill the hole in your soul or you don't want any of it because the thought of food sickens you because omgyouresofatandhewillfindsomeoneskinny. This chick can be found posted up in bed eating hoards of fried food or refusing to eat all together (Food reminds her of him). If you can break down her door (which may be reinforced with all her furniture because you are a human and she can't see humans right now because her beloved man was indeed a human as well), you will find her in total disrepair. She will be disheveled, wearing pajamas at 5pm, and simultaneously watching the notebook and listening to Adele break-up songs.
She can be counted on to spontaneously burst into tears in the middle of a conversation about pretty much anything. Even the most mundane topics will become off limits. Did you see the penguin special on the discovery channel? No. Don't go there. Her and dickwad used to go to the Zoo. She will clutch onto items of sentimental value and potentially call him/text him over and over again to let him know how miserable she is and how much she misses him. If you force her to go out, she will most likely get drunk and spill the details of her failed relationship to any poor schmuck that will listen- if they can understand her through her fits of tears.
As a friend, it will be your job to coddle her for a time period proportionate to how long they were together before you are allowed to intervene, hide her cell phone, and burn the teddy that she drowns in tears every night.
2.The Crazy Bitch
I like to call this a case of the cray cray- a disease observed by post break-up bitches who have gone a little off the reservation- like, say, to China. Now, the poor girl isn't solely to blame for the utter nuttiness that will ensue post break-up. After all, his totally inappropriate deeds will act as the catalyst to the crazy so in some ways, this very bizarre, borderline mental behavior is understandable, if not forgivable.
This bitch will be found plotting her revenge every second of everyday. She is obsessed. Her revenge schemes may vary in severity from slashing his tires to setting his house on fire. Normally, bitches won't actually do anything this outlandish (unless they are actually crazy, then #dearlordrun). However, plots may involve showing up unexpectedly, threatening to keep the baby she is now magically pregnant with, or sending long threatening e-mails.
She refreshes his Facebook page over and over again. He is forced to block her because she insists on calling him to complain about how Suzy somebody placed a happy emoticon on his wall- HOW DARE HE ALLOW THAT TO TRANSPIRE SO SOON AFTER THEIR BREAK-UP?! Doesn't he know how this affects her emotional stability!? But alas, the Facebook break-up is a whole other story.
This bitch fantasies about her ex being squished like a bug. By a Ford F-150. Now, some boys do deserve a Louisville slugger to both headlights, but as a friend, it will be your duty to ensure: A) that you can convince her that it isn't worth her energy B) that karma will take care of it so there is no reason to actually purchase a weapon or if all else fails C) that she cannot be traced to baseball bat used to pummel his mailbox.
3. The Slutty Bitch
This bitch takes DTF to a whole new level. There really isn't any question in the matter that this girl is going to **** that dude she is all over at the bar (that is unless she likes your roommate better in which case you may end up half-clothed in your neighbors' living room or a jail cell). If this chick is going out, she will be bringing home a man. Her man-acquiring skills are a clumsily poetic mix of drunk and drunker. She doesn't care who they are and probably won't remember their names.
When she wakes up in the morning, she doesn't give two shits about being polite or if she will ever see them again. There is never a number exchange. She gathers her belongings and makes an A-line for the nearest exit (this may not be a door). If you were lucky enough to be brought back to her lair, she will wake you up at the crack of dawn and tell you she has yoga before promptly kicking you to the curb. As a friend it is your job to refrain from judging (afterall, who the **** really cares? Social norms are all made up anyway) and to make sure she is always equipped with and using protection (provide different shapes and sizes for surprises). When she starts doing it in public places, it might be time to have a talk about the implications of being on the sex offenders list.
4. The Man Eater
Watch out boys, this one isn't just in it to break your heart- she also wants to eat your liver and leave you bleeding on the bathroom floor. Metaphorically, that is. This girl will appear recuperated, but beware, because she is anything but. This bitch is simply an evil manifestation of the crazy bitch, a more cruel and calculated version. She had her heart broken and she is going to settle the score one dude at a time.
She cannot be bothered with real emotions unless it somehow pertains to her mission. She assumes men only want one thing from her and as long as that is the case, she has no problem toying with multiple male suitors at once. But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end. Well honey, I went down and got it for you. Aw! You shouldn't have! As a friend, there is really nothing you can do about this one but sit back and enjoy the show. She'll eventually become bored with this game and fall back into the normal single bitch you know and love.
5. The Overachiever
This bitch will appear as though nothing even happened. She will wake up one day and decide she is going to run a half marathon. She will become a volunteer and take a sudden interest in something very #lame like knitting or salsa dancing. She will join clubs and read books. She will enroll in a cooking class. She will hit the gym at least once a day and grab the bagel out of your clutches because #ewthosehavewaytoomanycarbs. The overachiever suffers in silence, but is always on the verge of breaking down in the middle of Ikea. As a friend, it is your job to support her endeavors even if that means you find yourself serving soup to the homeless on Saturday morning (Holy hungover!) or accompanying her to church (you're not even Catholic).
6. The Stage 5
The Stage 5 Clinger is out to find her new soul-mate-and in a hurry. She has no time for a broken heart because she is going to find someone better and NOW. She meets new dudes at the bar and thinks she feels an instant connection- they might be the one! What is his last name? No idea. All she knows, is that they WILL mostly likely be wandering down that aisle of love within the next 48 to 72 hours. Flirt with her at the bar and you may find yourself tied to a bed in a full tux with an online minister asking if you do. You DON'T. She scares even the most interested men away faster than she can say himynameis. She doesn't understand what happens with these dudes she meets and begins to question if there is something wrong with her (inherently these isn't.)
As a friend, this may be the hardest situation because it can mean that your bff will have their heart broken over and over again by dudes who just want to #putitinandgetout. Alas, this may be a lesson she will have to learn on her own and it is only your duty to intervene if it takes a toll on her confidence. Time for a chat about all those fishies in the sea and perhaps an eHarmony profile. For $40 a month, those men are looking for love. Or can at least afford to buy her a meal.
At the end of the day, we're young, dumb, and dancing on bars sounds like a splendid idea when you're ten deep and distraught. It is only when you wake up in the morning with bruises and broken nails that you realize how high that bar actually was. Oh, look at me getting all metaphorical. If you find yourself morphing into one of these alter-egos, rest assured it will pass with time. And time really is the only cure. As a friend, it is hard to know when to intervene, but somewhere between male suitor #56, purchasing a flame thrower, and/or dumpster diving, it may be time for an intervention. In the meantime, support them and be there when they need you (#awwwww).