All good things must come to an end. Like pickles and stegosauruses and… porn. Because I am usually right (and never wrong), I would now like to officially predict that impending doom is upon us. This final hour is clearly evidenced by the mass economic depressions, wars, natural disasters, and lack of virgins (too many whores gets you kicked out of the Garden of Eden- wait, that’s what happened to Eve, right?). If the freaky weather, slutty seven year olds, and holyshiticannotaffordtupperware didn’t clue you in, you most certainly have been filled in on the rest of the gloomy details by listening to Top 40 radio.
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| This is my favorite dinosaur. |
Popstars left and right are urging us all to, “party like it’s the end of the world”, “dance until the world ends”, drink your “drink up like it’s your last”, and “dance, dance like it’s the last, last night of your life, life.”
When was the last time Usher got something this important wrong? Never. (My money-or lack there of- is on this Jay Sean character. Who I think is actually Jason Derulo, but I can’t be sure because they are the same person. That was me talking in a literal circle.)
When was the last time Usher got something this important wrong? Never. (My money-or lack there of- is on this Jay Sean character. Who I think is actually Jason Derulo, but I can’t be sure because they are the same person. That was me talking in a literal circle.)
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| I have included a picture of Jay Sean seemingly aloof and alone at his end of the world party. |
So, with all this talk of the end pumping through my speakers in the form of catchy, electronic dance tunes (Okay, but really, who is Jay Sean?), you can imagine that I’ve had a lot of time to think about what it is I’d like to actually be doing when this shit all goes down. Unlike many who may fear and/or prepare for our enviable ruination, I am actually kind of excited. Here is my short list of things I may or may not be doing when we become dust bunnies and soot and particles:
1. Taco Bell with Dubstep and 100 Proof Vodka.
Partly inspired by the genius marketing team at Taco Bell, this scenario first came to my mind after hearing that radio jingle about the infamous 4th meal which I routinely take part in somewhere between 2 and 4 am on random weekends. To me, the 4th meal signifies all that is the end of days; saturated fat, you're not sure if it is really meat, but who really cares because it is three in the morning and this illuminated bell of tacos is lighting your way to total satisfaction and potentially ingestion. Taco bell is shifty. It's not something you're supposed to admit you like in polite company- kind of like me telling you I'd be totally cool with an apocalypse.
So, in the event there was mass chaos and rampant anarchy spreading throughout the mother land, I can’t imagine any place I’d rather be than posted up in a Taco Bell. Drunk. Eating Bean burritos. With dubstep pulsating through the drive-thru speakers. Nothing says extinction like getting drunk and reading Taco Bell hot sauce packets until you cannot stand. If Britney had to re-film that Until the World Ends video, I could make an excellent case for why being in a sewer drain pales in comparison to a soft shell taco and #4. After ten shots. I’d preferably like to be accompanied by someone entertaining like the Geico gecko or my friend Ashley, but honestly, the more the merrier. You’re all invited.
So, in the event there was mass chaos and rampant anarchy spreading throughout the mother land, I can’t imagine any place I’d rather be than posted up in a Taco Bell. Drunk. Eating Bean burritos. With dubstep pulsating through the drive-thru speakers. Nothing says extinction like getting drunk and reading Taco Bell hot sauce packets until you cannot stand. If Britney had to re-film that Until the World Ends video, I could make an excellent case for why being in a sewer drain pales in comparison to a soft shell taco and #4. After ten shots. I’d preferably like to be accompanied by someone entertaining like the Geico gecko or my friend Ashley, but honestly, the more the merrier. You’re all invited.
2. Protecting Harry Potter World
If you haven’t had the privilege of setting eyes upon this natural wonder, I recommend you do so ASAP (Who knows how much time we really have.) So, although it would be awesome to running amok in the outrageously cool wizarding world, the reason I want to be here is so that I can protect it. The details are a bit fuzzy right now about how I actually plan to preserve this national treasure, but my hope would be that when aliens stumble upon us light years from now that Harry Potter World will be the only thing standing and they will assume we were bad ass wizards and that Potter himself ruled us all. I don’t even like Harry Potter that much. I just think it would be cool.
3. In a Hot Air Balloon With Snacks
So like, if there really is some really nasty destruction going on down on the ground level, I’d really like somewhere I can be free to snack without interruption or the threat of being clobbered by a building, tidal wave or, angry republican. My hot air balloon would need to be fully equipped with a bar and an assortment of salty snacks. I really am partial to the one in the picture above because hopefully if there is rampant murder or death down there, all the poor people on the ground will tilt their heads upward and be like, "Is that an elephant? No way!" and smile. I’d also need Twitter so I could take Twitpics. Hashtag #shit #wearesoscrewed.
4. Facebooking
Well, this one is just a given. I think it would be entertaining to read 2500 of my closest friends’ feelings and thoughts about the end of days via their Facebook statuses. And then judge them for it. I might also stalk some photos of my ex’s new girlfriend. TBA. Sorry I’m not sorry.
5. Not Sleeping
So my favorite things to do on this planet are Facebook, dance, and eat. The last is sleep. Because I've included all my other favorite things, I had to touch on why I've decided to leave this particular favorite thing out. Although I would normally be in favor of sleep, I would be severely devastated if I was dead asleep (no pun intended) when everything went down. It’s like waking up and realizing you missed an epic rager that happened in the next room over. And all the beer is gone. And someone stole your shoes. Or something. Whatever happens, I must be awake. Somewhat alert. Not necessarily sober.
So, I guess, all that’s left to do is ask what you’ll be doing. So, what’s that? What will you be doing?
